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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Tomorrow is October 15th. This is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. The idea is to get a wave of light going across the globe so at 7:00 pm in your time zone light a candle in remembrance of all the babies lost and of their parents and siblings they left behind. If you'd like to put this picture on your website here is the link:

Kurt and I have a beautiful daughter whom we love with all our hearts. We thank God for her each and every day (even when she is driving us crazy). However she doesn't and shouldn't replace our first child in our hearts. I can go days and weeks and months without hurting and then out of nowhere something will remind me that I have an angel in Heaven. As the years pass it is easier to talk about Hannah and the hole in my heart heals a little more, but I don't think it will ever completely close. We prayed and prayed for a baby to love, and God answered that prayer. The thing about God though is that He tends to answer in His own time and in His own way. He gave us a beautiful little girl to love and cherish and protect, and then he called her home before we could hold her and teach her. Every parent has to let their child(ren) test their wings, but it is very hard when those wings are supposed to be tested before their little legs get to try. Hannah learned to fly rather than crawl and walk, and that's OK.

It really is OK for us to be teary eyed once in a while, it is OK to ask us about our babies. It is OK for us to talk about them. It is OK. I know it is hard for others who have never experienced this situation and it is uncomfortable to others when we want to talk about our angels. But we are still mothers and fathers and just as you want to share about your children so do we. When talking to a friend who has lost a baby before or after birth, please think before you say things like: "God must have had a plan" or "it was probably for the best, maybe there was something terribly wrong with it" or "maybe you just weren't meant to have children". There are so many things that people say to us while trying to offer comfort but these are more hurtful than you can imagine. You can't fix this, we aren't asking you to, as our friends, just be there for us. Let us talk about our babies if we need to. It is OK.

I have a very good, wonderful, amazing friend who was pregnant with me. We were excited and compared ultrasound pictures and talked about our experiences. Our babies were due a week apart. Around Christmas time I lost Hannah and my friend went on to have her baby a week early on Hannah's due date. I rejoiced with them as they held their baby and showed her off. I held her and enjoyed every second of those times. She has grown into quite a spitfire. It's only in July that I have a hard time being around their daughter or seeing pictures, because it really brings home the fact that Hannah will never do those things, never experience the joys and sorrows this life has to offer. The other 11 months out of the year I can push those feelings to the back and enjoy with her mom watching this little girl grow up. It's very much a fact that most women who loose a baby find another baby to compare with. It isn't a conscious thing that we do, and half the time we don't even realize we are doing it. But it is a fact of our lives and we will probably do it until the day we die and finally get to hold our little one in our arms.

Our Little Angel
You were planned, and how we wanted you.
You were not held, but every day I touched you.
Little fingers and toes, eyes and a nose, our baby through and through.
Your heart stopped beating, but our hearts still beat for you.
You may be gone, but we will always remember you.
You are waiting with your grandmas, for the day we can hold you.
You never got to know us, be we knew you.
You were planned, and oh how we loved you.

I Am Not Broken
I am not broken
Please don’t try
To fix me

I am not broken
But my feelings
Can be hurt

I am not broken
Please don’t
Turn away

I am not broken
so please don't sugar coat it

I am not broken
I’m missing a
Piece of my heart

I am not broken
I am just me
Do you want to help?
Just be there for me.

1 comment:

  1. Thank-you for sharing your story--and I did not know about October 15th! I will keep your family in our prayers.