Witch and Ghost

Autumn's pumpkin is a ghost. She loves to pop out at you and say "BOO!" and everytime she sees a ghost she goes "Oooooooooo". So we combined her two new favorite things. She has a book The Five Little Pumpkins that she reads over and over and over and over and......... There is a ghost on every page and she so she reads that part. It's hard to see but Kurt's witch pumpkin is very warty. He said that as cool as it looks he won't do one of those again, he had to carve it using his drill and bits because the outer skin was hard as a rock!

Pumpkin Carving

We bought our pumpkins at our church. The youth's fall fundraiser is a pumpkin patch that they have every year. They are good quality pumpkins. But it sure takes more time than I thought it would to pick them out. Autumn had a fantastic time helping to carve her pumpkin. She played in the guts and supervised the cutting. Autumn is going to be a pumpkin fairy for halloween and we are going to go to a fall festival at a friend's church. That should be fun and warm and dry. Remember if the picture is too small click your mouse on it and it will open up much bigger.

Lounging Around

Autumn loves to sit in her chair with her feet up on the footstool that my grandpa made. She really knows how to live it up. One she knows I'm getting her snack ready she runs for her chair and pulls the footstool up just right and sits down and says "ahhhh". I have no idea where that comes from, neither Kurt nor I say that (I think).

Sunday Snuggle

Ahhhh, nothing like a Sunday afternoon snuggle while watching Backyardigans or whatever we were watching. When everyone is feeling under the weather it is easier to get that afternoon laziness in.

Play Date

A play date is the only kind of date Autumn is allowed to have at this point. :) She loves to play with her friends, this one in particular. Judah is the son of some friends of ours. When ever we mention Judah's name or she sees a picture of him she runs around saying "Dah?" and looking in corners and behind doors. It is so funny. And they are learning to share their toys although that is very very hard and many tears ensue. We talked about her birthday party and who to invite, have to remember not to talk about these things before the fact, she has no sense of time. When I told her at dinner the day before we were going to go play with Judah she went to the door and said "reayee" (ready). I said (trying to give her a time base) "first you have to brush your teeth and go night-night, then you have to wake up and eat cereal". Well she, in her infinite logic, ran up the stairs saying "teef, teef" and then started back down saying "cerea" (cereal). Now, how can you argue with that? I'm learning, I'm a little slow some days but I'm getting there. :)

Tomorrow is October 15th. This is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. The idea is to get a wave of light going across the globe so at 7:00 pm in your time zone light a candle in remembrance of all the babies lost and of their parents and siblings they left behind. If you'd like to put this picture on your website here is the link: http://www.october15th.com/WaveofLight.gif


Kurt and I have a beautiful daughter whom we love with all our hearts. We thank God for her each and every day (even when she is driving us crazy). However she doesn't and shouldn't replace our first child in our hearts. I can go days and weeks and months without hurting and then out of nowhere something will remind me that I have an angel in Heaven. As the years pass it is easier to talk about Hannah and the hole in my heart heals a little more, but I don't think it will ever completely close. We prayed and prayed for a baby to love, and God answered that prayer. The thing about God though is that He tends to answer in His own time and in His own way. He gave us a beautiful little girl to love and cherish and protect, and then he called her home before we could hold her and teach her. Every parent has to let their child(ren) test their wings, but it is very hard when those wings are supposed to be tested before their little legs get to try. Hannah learned to fly rather than crawl and walk, and that's OK.

It really is OK for us to be teary eyed once in a while, it is OK to ask us about our babies. It is OK for us to talk about them. It is OK. I know it is hard for others who have never experienced this situation and it is uncomfortable to others when we want to talk about our angels. But we are still mothers and fathers and just as you want to share about your children so do we. When talking to a friend who has lost a baby before or after birth, please think before you say things like: "God must have had a plan" or "it was probably for the best, maybe there was something terribly wrong with it" or "maybe you just weren't meant to have children". There are so many things that people say to us while trying to offer comfort but these are more hurtful than you can imagine. You can't fix this, we aren't asking you to, as our friends, just be there for us. Let us talk about our babies if we need to. It is OK.

I have a very good, wonderful, amazing friend who was pregnant with me. We were excited and compared ultrasound pictures and talked about our experiences. Our babies were due a week apart. Around Christmas time I lost Hannah and my friend went on to have her baby a week early on Hannah's due date. I rejoiced with them as they held their baby and showed her off. I held her and enjoyed every second of those times. She has grown into quite a spitfire. It's only in July that I have a hard time being around their daughter or seeing pictures, because it really brings home the fact that Hannah will never do those things, never experience the joys and sorrows this life has to offer. The other 11 months out of the year I can push those feelings to the back and enjoy with her mom watching this little girl grow up. It's very much a fact that most women who loose a baby find another baby to compare with. It isn't a conscious thing that we do, and half the time we don't even realize we are doing it. But it is a fact of our lives and we will probably do it until the day we die and finally get to hold our little one in our arms.

Our Little Angel
You were planned, and how we wanted you.
You were not held, but every day I touched you.
Little fingers and toes, eyes and a nose, our baby through and through.
Your heart stopped beating, but our hearts still beat for you.
You may be gone, but we will always remember you.
You are waiting with your grandmas, for the day we can hold you.
You never got to know us, be we knew you.
You were planned, and oh how we loved you.

I Am Not Broken
I am not broken
Please don’t try
To fix me

I am not broken
But my feelings
Can be hurt

I am not broken
Please don’t
Turn away

I am not broken
so please don't sugar coat it

I am not broken
I’m missing a
Piece of my heart

I am not broken
I am just me
Do you want to help?
Just be there for me.

Autumn in Autumn

We went to Osakis over the weekend, in between downpours we went out to play in the leaves. Yep, it was very wet, but as you probably know, that doesn't even slow Autumn down! She ran and ran and ran and then for a change jumped. She found a pile of leaves and had a ball in them. She splashed in lots of puddles, sat on grandpa's motorcycle and pushed buttons. Then he turned on the radio and she danced while sitting on the motorcycle, talented little girl that one. :) She looked at and tried to taste some bugs, ate a few leaves and some grass, dug in the mud and definately tried that. There was mud smeared on her face and I could hear her crunching on sand for about 2 hours afterwards, even with a few drinks of water. Autumn had a blast with "papa" and grandma, playing "ashe ashe" (or ring around the rosie). She had fun playing "boo" and ghosts and hide and seek. We need to work on the rules to that game, she hides and then she seeks you out. Of course at this point that means I just have to sit there and be surprised when she pops up and says "BOO!"

Wanna Hug?

Do you want a hug? I love to give hugs!

Laundry Diva

Autumn loves to help with the laundry. She can dump the soap in and put the clothes in. She would like to be able to reach the water that shoots into the washer, thank goodness she can't yet!

It's the Great Pumpkin, Autumn

Well, it isn't really a huge pumpkin that brings you treats but in Autumn's estimation it is the best pumpkin. She got to pick it out at the store and that took about 20 minutes. Then after she painted it and herself and took a bath and the pumpkin was dry she carried it around with her, pushed it in the stroller, and finally agreed to let it sit on the table where we can see it every time we eat. It was such a nice sunny day and the spot was sheltered from the breeze so I just decided to strip her, that way when she did paint herself it wouldn't be all over her clothes!

Cooking

Autumn really enjoys cooking. We have an apron just her size but most times she'd rather wear Mommy's "poop" apron (remember that's what she calls Whinnie the Pooh!). She's a good stirrer and pourer and dumper. She is starting to get better at not tasting every cookie she puts on the tray but really, who can resist cookie dough? Especially when there are chips in it. :) This time we were making the cheese mixture for lasagna. It probably would have turned out very yummy if my stove actually cooked at the temperature I set it. I'm going to have to go get one of those interal thermometers, I'm tired of burning our food! Autumn liked playing with the egg. I got lots of "eeeew" and "iiiky" followed by giggles and more poking of the yoke.

Talking About Poop

I just need to vent for a few minutes. We have been dealing with constipation with Autumn since she was 4 months old, honestly there has to be something more we can do. Every night she wakes up around 10 and then again at 4/430 with tummy pains, I can't take much more of this. Of course I say that and then God sends me just a bit more energy, strength, patience to make it through another day. One of the worst things I do is sit and watch Autumn struggle to poop while screaming and saying "owie poop mommy". I used to be able to hold her but now she doesn't want that. I hate this part of my day. Granted things have gotten a little easier with some medication but still there are a couple times a month when I would do anything to take that pain away from her.

I had no idea that childhood constipation was as common as it is and that it can have one or more of about a hundred different causes! Holy Cow! There really is a lot of good information out on the web about childhood constipation and how to talk about it with your child but all the things are geared to kids who are older and school age not toddlers who are having a hard time understanding why they have "owie poop mommy". While I was eagerly waiting for 3 word sentences from Autumn, that was not one I really wanted to hear.

The 'experts' say get your child moving (ok, mine doesn't stop moving, next!). They say drink lots of liquids, yep, got that one down she loves water so no problems there. Then they say make sure you are giving your child the fiber she needs, grains/fruits/veggies. Then right after that they say but if you are still having troubles cut way back on the grains! HUH?!?! Which is it. And getting Autumn to eat veggies ends up with "nonononono". Granted I've learned to be sneaky about pureeing veggies and adding them to meals, I need to be more consistent about it though. So did you knwo that the food with the most fiber per serving is a banana which is a constipating food?!?!?! We really haven't ever given Autumn bananas, she knows what they are and loves to say the word but she spits them out and says "eeeww" when she takes a bite. Not a bad thing in my book if they are just going to cause more problems. I would so love to get this resolved before we start potty training.

Poop has become a common word in our house, we talk about it all the time, not to mention it is a fun word to say. I swore I'd not be one of those moms who talks about their child's poop everywhere I went but I found that you can't avoid it. When they are babies and your friends have babies it is a natural topic of conversation. Who knew?! And as they get older and start to potty train you talk about it again, so if I could send a letter to my past self I'd say: "get over it, poop is natrual we all do it, though apparently some of us have a harder time of it than others, and oh by the way, don't forget to mark it down in your poop journal". Yep, we have a poop journal, wanna see it? :P

I had some little figures out to play with yesterday and a few of them were Whinnie-The-Pooh characters. Autumn picked up Pooh and siad "poop" and that's his name now. We have a few of him around as I love those characters (Eeyore being my alltime favorite) and everytime she sees him she says "dere poop mommy". Well, hopefully he doesn't mind too much. :)